Thursday, June 23, 2011

Time Travel is a Demanding Mistress

...With respect to Mr. Wells.

Chapter 1
The Dinner Party

The Time Traveler poured a glass of champagne and passed it to Dr. James. A wry smile formed upon his face as he quietly gathered his thoughts. Each member of our strange little dinner party tried in earnest to restrain their deepest curiosities. The Time Traveler finally spoke. "I know it may seem entirely farcical, my friends. Believe me when I say that it seemed as much to me, and perhaps it is. But I tell you with a complete sincerity that I intend to visit the future, and return to our time to report my findings."

The eyes of every dinner guest grew wide, every chest drew in a deep breath. No one knew what to make of this strange man, or his claims. He had demonstrated a singular grasp on the known sciences in previous discourse. Every one of us could attest to his intelligence. But this notion seemed one step beyond rational thought; one step too far for the rest of us. Our host concluded the evening with one last peculiarity: "I beg you, return to this very house, one week from this evening, and I will meet you here to divulge whatever accounts I have collected in my travels. If my strange little machine sits immobile in its place, I will report that to you. If I traverse great swaths of time to visit our furthest futures, you will know of it."

And with that, our party disbanded, each too confused, too fascinated, too hopeful, if we were to be honest, to speak to one another for fear that our willingness to imagine the possibilities would seem complete insanity; a justification for a visit to the asylum. In weeks to come, we would admit to one another that we each secretly desired that this man's incredulous claims would prove fact. We each quietly wished that one Thursday from this, we would return to the home of the Time Traveler to find an impossible artifact, an impossible story, or even, if we dared to dream, a visitor from another time to greet us.


Chapter 2
The Journey Begins

The Time Traveler gazed intently at his strange creation. The time machine looked ready, almost eager to meet its purpose. Indeed, the time had finally come when all the Time Traveler's theory and preparation would be put to the test. There was to be no turning back. He solemnly placed a quartz knob, a key of sorts, upon the brass control handle, and seated himself upon the saddle. For a moment, he took in the surroundings of his laboratory, quietly curious if this might be the last time he would see its familiar spindles, tubes, and metals.

After one last moment of quiet reflection, he pulled the handle ever so slowly, and then returned it to its original position. His eyes darted around the room. No ill effects, it seemed. Perhaps no effects at all. His eyes fell upon the grandfather clock in the western corner of the room. 12:03, he noted. Once more his hand fell upon the quartz knob and brass handle, and he pulled the lever toward him, much further than before. The grandfather clock's long hand began to move at a fast pace... success! The short hand was soon to follow. It began to move more and more rapidly until it became a whir of activity, too fast to decipher where the hand actually pointed at any given moment.

The longer the Traveler waited, the more strange his surroundings became. He took note of dear Mrs. Feathermoore, who entered the room, and searched in vain for her master. Before he could consider stopping the machine to put her at ease, he had become transfixed on the overwhelming decay and disuse that fell upon the room in the instants following. Pictures faded to pale colors, cobwebs went unhindered, almost enveloping the ceiling, and dust overtook all of the surfaces of his now totally unfamiliar laboratory. Moments later, the walls cracked and peeled, and plaster gave way to its brick and mortar supports, which gave way to complete disintegration only seconds after that.

It was then that the Time Traveler noted a distinct feeling of unease in his belly. It felt not unlike drunkenness, yet not entirely familiar all the same. The pit in his stomach deepened, until he could bear it no more, and decided at last to return the handle to its home and allow the journey's destination to reveal itself. When the machine came to rest, all of the accumulated energy of its travels came to bear on the traveler, and he involuntarily released sickness upon the floor of the contraption.

Chapter 3
The Great Experiment

The Time Traveler raised his head and shielded his eyes from the brightness of the unrelenting sun. He could see no buildings, no valleys, no marks of any kind; only sun. The rays of our mother star were more intense, more powerful than he could have ever imagined, and in almost an instant, his skin was burned as darkly as an island negro's. Steam rose from his exposed hands and face. His limbs were nearly paralyzed with agony. His clothes seemed to pulse against his flesh.

Nausea came upon him once more, and he unwillingly gave way to its demands. The energy of this omnipotent white light was too much for a pale Londoner to bear, and it wasn't long before the Time Traveler's breath became long and shallow. He feebly grasped at the controls, but in vain. His strength had faded so quickly and so profoundly, that he could not have lifted a cigarette paper with all of his concentrated efforts.

One last gasp of air escaped from his lungs, formed into a final breathy word that fell limply from cracked, bleeding, blistered lips. "Failure."

###

Chapter 3.1
The Great Experiment

The Time Traveler raised his head and shielded his eyes from the brightness of the sun. The star seemed brighter, more intense than he had ever imagined, but not unbearably so. His eyes nearly closed, he cautiously set foot onto the grass beneath the machine and took in his surrounds. All that he could see from such a vantage was endless green. Trees towered into the sky, surpassing clouds at mid-trunk. Grass came to the collar of the Traveler's coat, and plants that resembled sunflowers loomed like street lamps far overhead. The Traveler was in awe of his new world; he could not even bring himself to breathe; a mere distraction from his visions of a new Eden.

But, this fantasy was not to last. Every Eden has a gate, and in this case, it is guarded by an angel who breathes fire. The Traveler's lungs demanded fuel, and he was helpless to respond. He took in a deep, almost boundless gasp of air, and exhaled slowly. But the air he took in did not feel like the cool, odorless oxygen that residents of our age are accustomed to. It felt to him as though a fire burned deep in his bosom, and there was no relief from its flames. The Time Traveler clutched at his chest, and heaved in and out for a moment's time.

His thoughts became scattered, panicked, unclear. He could not remember where he was. He could not remember his reason for being wherever that might be. He could not even recall his name. Moments of his life came into brief recollection, and it seemed as though time stood still. Eden spun in circles around him, and he fell to his knees amidst stalks of Goliath's grass, gasping unwillingly upon the ground for a moment before breathing his last.

###

Chapter 3.2
The Great Experiment

The Time Traveler raised his head and shielded his eyes from the brightness of the sun. After his eyes adjusted to the powerful light of this future place, he came to take in his surrounds. The time machine was enveloped by boundless green. Grass came to a man's waist, and plants that resembled sunflowers came to greet the Traveler as beings of equal height. The Traveler stepped softly into the Eden that lay before him. His wonderment was too much; he noticed that he had not even allowed himself to breathe. As he spun in a circle, transfixed by the new world that he had come to visit, he took a deep breath, filling his lungs with clean, deeply refreshing air. The taste and smell of sickness from his travels seemed to vanish instantly.

"My God and saints alive", the Traveler said aloud, "it's perfect." He trod a path among shorter grasses, and set aim for a tree line not more than a mile from his vantage. As he walked, he pondered the garden world's characteristics, and made note of particular variations in shapes, colors, and textures. A flighted creature circled overhead, and the Traveler made note of its broad wings, bright tail-feathers, and narrow beak. "Beautiful", he said, "So beautiful."

The Traveler traveled on, engaged in an internal debate with his self. "If there are birds and plants," he thought, "surely humans have thrived as well? I should wonder if their shape has changed. Will I be able to pass among them as an equal?" While his thoughts were given over to this curiosity, the Traveler unwittingly scratched a small welt upon his left hand. In doing so, he had inadvertently crushed the skin mound's creator: a large insect that resembled a mosquito. The Time Traveler's blood mingled with that of the bug, and poured down his wrist. The Time Traveler wiped the blood with his other hand, and in his mind registered a quiet disappointment. "So there are pests in Eden?" he thought.

More travels lay before him, and he set himself to the task. He continued toward the tree line, the time machine now almost out of view. His hand continued to itch, but the swelling from the bug's bite had begun to assuage. As he scratched his hand, filled with contempt for this future miscreant, a brief whisper of a thought registered in the back of his mind. The man stopped in his tracks, consumed with this new consideration. "I believe... yes... that is the answer." he said with a resoluteness, and changed direction away from the trees.

The journey's new direction continued for several minutes, perhaps even an hour, and in that time, the Traveler considered no thoughts, no ideas, no decisions. His mind was consumed with a singular purpose: a direction. He couldn't explain to himself why he so wished to head in this particular way, but no thought had ever been more real to him, no desire more burning. "This way", he said. "Yes, this way." His skin had become a little more pale by now, but not enough to give him concern. His eyes were shot with blood, and a brief fit of coughing took upon him for a moment, but these were only minor diversions from his new destination.

After a time, the Traveler came at last upon a mound of earth several dozen feet high. This was what he had searched for, that he knew with an unquestionable certainty. He took rest upon a smaller mound in orbit of the great tower, and set his eyes to rest.

Seconds later, a hum filled the earth beneath the great mound. The Time Traveler smiled, feeling contented with the pitch that fell deep into his ears. He stretched out his arms, unthinking, and let his head fall to his chest. The hum deepened, and grew so loud that the earth shook in its wake.

A great insect, as long as a walking stick, and as thick as a crocodile, with as many legs as there are residents in London town, slowly emerged from the deep hole. It had no eyes, no antennae. It's only characteristic of note other than its behemoth size, was the cloud of insects that clung to it and hovered near it. The insect beast slithered and slinked toward the Time Traveler, who had fallen into a deep trance; a paralytic in slavery to the resounding hum. The queen sloth reared its massive form before the Traveler, using its back legs to move ever closer to its prey. The Traveler's arms remained outstretched, his face smeared with an impossible, unwitting smile.

The drones surrounded the Time Traveler now, and the queen's legs fell gently upon his body. The queen's hum ceased, replaced with a gentle seeping sound, that of its venom saturating the body of the man in its clutches. The Time Traveler awoke with a start, and quickly deciphered his circumstances. His eyes turned black with terror, his veins pulsed with fear and horror. But there was no escape. His flesh burned to ash and steam, dissolving into the pores of the queen's skin, food for his captor. The Time Traveler's long, terrible screams fell upon an empty and unforgiving valley, echoing into the distance until he had been enveloped completely, and then there was only silence.


Black Boxes are Never to be Trusted

***NOTE: This story contains adult language. Reader discretion advised.***


She rolled over and opened her eyes. There he was. She smiled. He could feel her looking at him. He opened his eyes, and smiled back.

“I had an amazing time last night,” she whispered in a gentle morning voice.

“Me too.”

“I mean... it was the best time I’ve had in... years.”

“Me too.”

“You have to tell me... How are you so great?”

He sheepishly smiled.

“I’ll never tell.”

“You wanna stay for breakfast?” she asked.

“Sure. Pancakes and eggs please. Oh, and bacon. But don’t overcook it. I hate burned bacon.”

She seemed a little taken aback.

“Oh.”

[BEEP] [BEEP]

“What was that?” she said.

Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything.

He rolled out of bed and slowly stood up. He walked over to the dresser and picked up his jeans. He pulled a little black box from the back pocket.

“Shit. I can’t stay. My, uh, battery’s... dead.”

“Oh.”

She smiled politely, and turned back over.

“Sorry, babe.”

He walked over to her side of the bed and kissed her on the forehead. He reached his hand around her neck and held her firmly.

“It’s okay,” she said.

He put something in his pocket, threw on a shirt, and headed for the door.

She cried a little. She figured he wouldn’t be back. He was too good for her, and she knew it. She had let him get away, and she would regret it forever.

She sat up in bed, and looked down at herself. A huge blue bruise covered her left thigh. She had a cut on the back of her ankle.

“What the hell?”


SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS EARLIER

He leaned against the doorjamb and smiled at her.

“Dinner was... something else, am I right?” he said.

“Yeah it was great. I had a really great time.”

She fished for her keys.

“So.”

“So.”

She found her keys, but she held them in her hand, gently tossing them up and down. This distracted him. He thought he should tell her that having such a large keychain would damage her vehicle’s starter, but he thought better of it. It was too early in the relationship for boyfriend advice, especially the kind that all women ignore. So he kept quiet, and turned his attention back to her.

Look her in the eye, you dumb fuck.

She hung her bag over her arm, and let her head fall slightly to one side. Her hair fell across her shoulder. This also distracted him. She had great hair. Straight, long, black, shiny. SHINY.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

He smiled with the left corner of his mouth, and fought the urge to blush.

“I don’t know. I... I don’t know.”

His mind imploded.

Jesus Christ, man, say something. You can say SOMETHING. Compliment her. Compliment her hair! You were just staring at it.

But I don’t want to come off too creepy. I’m pretty sure she’d think that was gay. And I’m already wearing this gay shirt.

Stop worrying about the shirt. She said she liked it. Just ask her out on another date.

I don’t want to seem too forward.

You idiot, you’re running out of t--

She giggled softly.

“Okay, well, when you come up with something, you let me know.”

With that, she sorted through her titanic keychain, found her housekey, and pushed it into the lock. She opened the door and went inside. It closed under its own weight. He stared after her, sad, cold, and alone.

“Wait a goddamn minute.”

He fumbled inside his back pocket and pulled out a little black box. He held the box in one hand, and used his cellphone to throw some light onto the tiny buttons that lined its face.

Uh-huh. Right. Press that there. Then that. Done.

He pocketed the box and the cellphone.

[BEEP] [BEEEEEP]

That should do it.

He listened for a moment. He heard a dead thump.

PHWUMPH!

He smiled deviously. Then he heard more thumps.

PHUMP HMPH UMPH WUMP SHMHPH HTHMP BAM!

Shit.

He opened the door, and found her lying in a pile of herself at the foot of the stairs. He winced a little, wondering if the fall had hurt her.

EEEEEESH. That can’t have felt good.

You waited too long, you asshole.

I’ve never been in her place before. I didn’t know she had stairs.

Better hope she doesn’t remember that part.

Yeah.

He carefully picked her up and carried her back through the doorway. He leaned her up against the porch railing and gently held her there. He reached for the door with his free hand and pulled it closed just in time.

[BIP] [BIP] [BIP] [BEEEEP]

She woke up suddenly, and he quickly let go of her.

“Bless you,” he said.

“Wow, that must have been one hell of a sneeze. I’m a little dizzy,” she said. “Guess I had a little more wine than I thought.”

“Yeah”, he replied.

She fished through her purse for her keys.

Where did we leave off?

I don’t know. I forget.

Well, just say you had a good time again.

But what if I already said that?

Just SAY IT!

“I... had... a great... uh... time, tonight,” he offered.

“Yeah. Wow. Deja vu.”

“That’s weird. I hate it when that happens.”

He smiled awkwardly.

See? Fine. Alright. This time, you dumb shit, say it. Compliment the hair.

“Can I... uh... your hair... just looks great tonight.”

She stopped searching for her keys, smiled and blushed.

“Thaaank you. That’s so sweet of you. I’m using this new conditioner. Must be working, I guess.”

“Must be. You, uh, having trouble finding your keys?”

“Yeah, I hope I didn’t leave them at the restaurant.”

Oh shit. She must have dropped them inside when she fell.

He put his hand on the back of his neck, and scratched for a few moments. He started to sweat a little.

She rubbed the back of her leg.

“For some reason, my leg really hurts. That’s weird.”

He looked down at her leg and saw that a bruise was starting to materialize.

Shit! Okay, just ignore the leg thing. Don’t say anything. Just check and see if the door is open.

He reached for the doorknob and turned it. The door opened.

“Oh look, it’s open.”

She smiled, but still looked frustrated.

“Well, that’s cool, but I still don’t know where my keys are.”

“Maybe you left them inside? Maybe I could help you look for them?” he suggested.

Nicely done! Way to NOT suck for once!

“Okay, thanks.”

She hobbled inside the door and saw the ludicrous keychain on the floor.

“Oh there they are,” she said, relieved.

She picked up the keys and put them in her purse.

“I must have dropped them when I left earlier. I’m such a ditz.”

He stopped just inside the doorway and smiled. He tried to think of what to do next.

“So,” he said, “do you wanna have a drink or something?”

“Actually, I think I’ve had enough tonight. I might just crash.”

He reached inside his back pocket.

She continued, “I mean, you’re a REALLY great guy, and I’d love to see you again, but, I...”

[BEEEEP]

She collapsed, but he caught her before she hit the floor.


THREE MINUTES LATER

[BIP] [BIP] [BIP] [BEEEEP]

“I had a great time tonight,” he said.

“Wow, deja vu,” she replied.

............

TWO HOURS LATER

The two of them wrestled each other in bed. The good kind of wrestling... not the bad kind. It was unclear who was winning, but it was very clear that they were both enjoying the match.

“You’re such an animal,” she cried. “How did you know I like it this rough? Most guys never try anything so intense!”

“Thanks! I do my best!”

They were about to continue to round 3, but things took a southerly turn when he accidentally pinched her leg with his knee.

“OW!” she bellowed.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to.”

She threw him off of her.

“Jesus. It stings!”

He reached for the bedside table.

[BEEEEEP]


EPILOGUE

TWELVE AND A HALF HOURS EARLIER

“Wait,” she said. “It’s a what now?”

“It’s like autotune, but for dating,” he answered.

“But how does it work?”

“Well, I’m not sure about the specifics, but my friend says that I just put this little dot on the back of your neck, and whenever I mess up, I press this button...”

He pointed to the little black box.

“...and then you blank for a minute. When you wake up, I fix whatever it was I messed up.”

She looked suspicious.

“How do I know you won’t rape me or something?” she asked.

“Right. Well, the dude says it has a failsafe. If at any point you feel unsafe or in danger or something, it konks out, and I can’t use it ever again. And I lose my money.”

“That’s very reassuring.”

“Well, it cost me $10,000. And he made me get a bunch of background checks to get it.”

“Hmm... And where did you get this from? Who’s this dude?”

“A friend of mine who’s a scientist in Japan. He’s crazy smart. They’re test marketing this over there, but it won’t be in the States for a few years.”

“But what’s the point? I mean, why not just shoot from the hip... let things work out on their own?”

Please. Look at me.”

She eyed him for a moment. He had a point. The wrinkled khakis, birkenstocks, and oversized flannel shirt didn’t exactly scream “dateable.”

“Things never work out for me. I mean, I’m a fairly decent-looking guy, right?”

She thought for a moment.

“Yeah, in a nerdy sort of way.”

“Right! But I’m really, really bad with women. I think I might have Asperger’s.”

“Oh. Jeez, I’m sorry.”

He ignored her sympathy.

“So, this way, instead of me trying to guess womanish hints and all of that, which I never ever get right, I can try things out, and if it doesn’t work out, we can start over.”

“Well, that’s kind of cool I guess. For you.”

Her head slowly rocked from side to side.

“Yeah, but it’s good for you, too! I’ll have spent the whole night molding myself into the perfect date, but all you’ll remember is, I’m the perfect guy. That’s all you’ll think about. You won’t be annoyed that you basically had to spoon-feed me into a reasonable human being.”

“I don’t know. It makes me nervous.”

He smiled in a sheepish, cute, patheticy kind of way, and she had a thing for losers.

“Oh, alright, let’s try it,” she said.

“AWESOME,” he replied, “sign here.”


And, by the way, he did not have Asperger’s.