She rolled over and opened her eyes. There he was. She smiled. He could feel her looking at him. He opened his eyes, and smiled back.
“I had an amazing time last night,” she whispered in a gentle morning voice.
“Me too.”
“I mean... it was the best time I’ve had in... years.”
“Me too.”
“You have to tell me... How are you so great?”
He sheepishly smiled.
“I’ll never tell.”
“You wanna stay for breakfast?” she asked.
“Sure. Pancakes and eggs please. Oh, and bacon. But don’t overcook it. I hate burned bacon.”
She seemed a little taken aback.
“Oh.”
[BEEP] [BEEP]
“What was that?” she said.
Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything.
He rolled out of bed and slowly stood up. He walked over to the dresser and picked up his jeans. He pulled a little black box from the back pocket.
“Shit. I can’t stay. My, uh, battery’s... dead.”
“Oh.”
She smiled politely, and turned back over.
“Sorry, babe.”
He walked over to her side of the bed and kissed her on the forehead. He reached his hand around her neck and held her firmly.
“It’s okay,” she said.
He put something in his pocket, threw on a shirt, and headed for the door.
She cried a little. She figured he wouldn’t be back. He was too good for her, and she knew it. She had let him get away, and she would regret it forever.
She sat up in bed, and looked down at herself. A huge blue bruise covered her left thigh. She had a cut on the back of her ankle.
“What the hell?”
SEVEN AND A HALF HOURS EARLIER
He leaned against the doorjamb and smiled at her.
“Dinner was... something else, am I right?” he said.
“Yeah it was great. I had a really great time.”
She fished for her keys.
“So.”
“So.”
She found her keys, but she held them in her hand, gently tossing them up and down. This distracted him. He thought he should tell her that having such a large keychain would damage her vehicle’s starter, but he thought better of it. It was too early in the relationship for boyfriend advice, especially the kind that all women ignore. So he kept quiet, and turned his attention back to her.
Look her in the eye, you dumb fuck.
She hung her bag over her arm, and let her head fall slightly to one side. Her hair fell across her shoulder. This also distracted him. She had great hair. Straight, long, black, shiny. SHINY.
“What are you thinking?” she asked.
He smiled with the left corner of his mouth, and fought the urge to blush.
“I don’t know. I... I don’t know.”
His mind imploded.
Jesus Christ, man, say something. You can say SOMETHING. Compliment her. Compliment her hair! You were just staring at it.
But I don’t want to come off too creepy. I’m pretty sure she’d think that was gay. And I’m already wearing this gay shirt.
Stop worrying about the shirt. She said she liked it. Just ask her out on another date.
I don’t want to seem too forward.
You idiot, you’re running out of t--
She giggled softly.
“Okay, well, when you come up with something, you let me know.”
With that, she sorted through her titanic keychain, found her housekey, and pushed it into the lock. She opened the door and went inside. It closed under its own weight. He stared after her, sad, cold, and alone.
“Wait a goddamn minute.”
He fumbled inside his back pocket and pulled out a little black box. He held the box in one hand, and used his cellphone to throw some light onto the tiny buttons that lined its face.
Uh-huh. Right. Press that there. Then that. Done.
He pocketed the box and the cellphone.
[BEEP] [BEEEEEP]
That should do it.
He listened for a moment. He heard a dead thump.
PHWUMPH!
He smiled deviously. Then he heard more thumps.
PHUMP HMPH UMPH WUMP SHMHPH HTHMP BAM!
Shit.
He opened the door, and found her lying in a pile of herself at the foot of the stairs. He winced a little, wondering if the fall had hurt her.
EEEEEESH. That can’t have felt good.
You waited too long, you asshole.
I’ve never been in her place before. I didn’t know she had stairs.
Better hope she doesn’t remember that part.
Yeah.
He carefully picked her up and carried her back through the doorway. He leaned her up against the porch railing and gently held her there. He reached for the door with his free hand and pulled it closed just in time.
[BIP] [BIP] [BIP] [BEEEEP]
She woke up suddenly, and he quickly let go of her.
“Bless you,” he said.
“Wow, that must have been one hell of a sneeze. I’m a little dizzy,” she said. “Guess I had a little more wine than I thought.”
“Yeah”, he replied.
She fished through her purse for her keys.
Where did we leave off?
I don’t know. I forget.
Well, just say you had a good time again.
But what if I already said that?
Just SAY IT!
“I... had... a great... uh... time, tonight,” he offered.
“Yeah. Wow. Deja vu.”
“That’s weird. I hate it when that happens.”
He smiled awkwardly.
See? Fine. Alright. This time, you dumb shit, say it. Compliment the hair.
“Can I... uh... your hair... just looks great tonight.”
She stopped searching for her keys, smiled and blushed.
“Thaaank you. That’s so sweet of you. I’m using this new conditioner. Must be working, I guess.”
“Must be. You, uh, having trouble finding your keys?”
“Yeah, I hope I didn’t leave them at the restaurant.”
Oh shit. She must have dropped them inside when she fell.
He put his hand on the back of his neck, and scratched for a few moments. He started to sweat a little.
She rubbed the back of her leg.
“For some reason, my leg really hurts. That’s weird.”
He looked down at her leg and saw that a bruise was starting to materialize.
Shit! Okay, just ignore the leg thing. Don’t say anything. Just check and see if the door is open.
He reached for the doorknob and turned it. The door opened.
“Oh look, it’s open.”
She smiled, but still looked frustrated.
“Well, that’s cool, but I still don’t know where my keys are.”
“Maybe you left them inside? Maybe I could help you look for them?” he suggested.
Nicely done! Way to NOT suck for once!
“Okay, thanks.”
She hobbled inside the door and saw the ludicrous keychain on the floor.
“Oh there they are,” she said, relieved.
She picked up the keys and put them in her purse.
“I must have dropped them when I left earlier. I’m such a ditz.”
He stopped just inside the doorway and smiled. He tried to think of what to do next.
“So,” he said, “do you wanna have a drink or something?”
“Actually, I think I’ve had enough tonight. I might just crash.”
He reached inside his back pocket.
She continued, “I mean, you’re a REALLY great guy, and I’d love to see you again, but, I...”
[BEEEEP]
She collapsed, but he caught her before she hit the floor.
THREE MINUTES LATER
[BIP] [BIP] [BIP] [BEEEEP]
“I had a great time tonight,” he said.
“Wow, deja vu,” she replied.
............
TWO HOURS LATER
The two of them wrestled each other in bed. The good kind of wrestling... not the bad kind. It was unclear who was winning, but it was very clear that they were both enjoying the match.
“You’re such an animal,” she cried. “How did you know I like it this rough? Most guys never try anything so intense!”
“Thanks! I do my best!”
They were about to continue to round 3, but things took a southerly turn when he accidentally pinched her leg with his knee.
“OW!” she bellowed.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to.”
She threw him off of her.
“Jesus. It stings!”
He reached for the bedside table.
[BEEEEEP]
EPILOGUE
TWELVE AND A HALF HOURS EARLIER
“Wait,” she said. “It’s a what now?”
“It’s like autotune, but for dating,” he answered.
“But how does it work?”
“Well, I’m not sure about the specifics, but my friend says that I just put this little dot on the back of your neck, and whenever I mess up, I press this button...”
He pointed to the little black box.
“...and then you blank for a minute. When you wake up, I fix whatever it was I messed up.”
She looked suspicious.
“How do I know you won’t rape me or something?” she asked.
“Right. Well, the dude says it has a failsafe. If at any point you feel unsafe or in danger or something, it konks out, and I can’t use it ever again. And I lose my money.”
“That’s very reassuring.”
“Well, it cost me $10,000. And he made me get a bunch of background checks to get it.”
“Hmm... And where did you get this from? Who’s this dude?”
“A friend of mine who’s a scientist in Japan. He’s crazy smart. They’re test marketing this over there, but it won’t be in the States for a few years.”
“But what’s the point? I mean, why not just shoot from the hip... let things work out on their own?”
“Please. Look at me.”
She eyed him for a moment. He had a point. The wrinkled khakis, birkenstocks, and oversized flannel shirt didn’t exactly scream “dateable.”
“Things never work out for me. I mean, I’m a fairly decent-looking guy, right?”
She thought for a moment.
“Yeah, in a nerdy sort of way.”
“Right! But I’m really, really bad with women. I think I might have Asperger’s.”
“Oh. Jeez, I’m sorry.”
He ignored her sympathy.
“So, this way, instead of me trying to guess womanish hints and all of that, which I never ever get right, I can try things out, and if it doesn’t work out, we can start over.”
“Well, that’s kind of cool I guess. For you.”
Her head slowly rocked from side to side.
“Yeah, but it’s good for you, too! I’ll have spent the whole night molding myself into the perfect date, but all you’ll remember is, I’m the perfect guy. That’s all you’ll think about. You won’t be annoyed that you basically had to spoon-feed me into a reasonable human being.”
“I don’t know. It makes me nervous.”
He smiled in a sheepish, cute, patheticy kind of way, and she had a thing for losers.
“Oh, alright, let’s try it,” she said.
“AWESOME,” he replied, “sign here.”
And, by the way, he did not have Asperger’s.
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